What If...

What if? I feel like there are a lot of "what if"s in my life right now. I have no clear path ahead of me. I hate it. Boys have a clear path to follow once they graduate high school: save money, go on a mish, get married, go to school, be a dad/father. Women don't have it so easy and layed out. And it kills me.

So what if? What if this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing? What if I went a different direction? I have no clear path ahead of me like boys do. I could get a degree, I could go to hair school or nail school, I could get married, I could work and save money, I could travel the world,  I could go on a mission, I could be a bum and live at home and go to a singles ward with a bunch of 30 year olds.

But, I chose to live in Provo Utah, next to BYU, in a student ward and go to UVU.
What if I don't know what I want to do?
My whole life I was pretty much told what to do and where to go. In high school I did a lot of things like musical theater, choir, and leadership stuff and I had a lot of fun. But I always had something to do or somewhere to be. Now, I don't know what to do. Here are three things that I'm having trouble choosing:

School- Right now I'm working and saving money for school because I know I want to get a degree. But in what, I still don't know for sure!? And where? I'm not so sure either. And I don't know how long I want to be in school either, do I want a Bachelors Degree? Associates? Masters!!? haha so many options. And then it all comes back to what I want to study too. Ugh.

Life- Mission? Marriage? School? Live at home? Live in Provo? Save money? Oh how I hate options.

Love/boys- There's really only two options here... but its a difficult one for me haha. Do I want to just date around and have a ball liking five guys at a time and live it up? Or do I want to have a meaningful relationship with someone, whether it leads to marriage or not? Either way, I will get hurt. Which SUCKS! But that's who I am and how I deal with things. I'm trying to find a loop hole in this situation where I could have a relationship with someone and I get all the benefits (support, kissing, communication, entertainment,) but its not a real serious thing. THAT would probably kill me. Again, what do I really want?

Seriously, I have no clue what I want.

I want someone to tell me what I want. I wish I had someone telling me where to go and what to do, but probably not my parents haha just because... But I want a little Jiminy Cricket telling me what to do and who to spend my time with. And I wouldn't be wasting my time doing anything that I'm not supposed to, ya know? Ugh. Terrible.

I'm sure this is how all college kids feel, but I just feel like its especially hard for me because I HAVE to have direction and something to work towards in my life. I cant just waste my time doing frivolous activities that will get me no where. There is meaning in EVERYTHING I do. And once the people around me in my life realize that, my world will be a better place haha.

I need direction. I need a plan. I need my patriarchal blessing is what I need. Ugh.

If life were easy it wouldn't be hard. And hard is good.
joy=salvation
I'm one step closer to my eternal companion
peace, love, and blessings